Fearing for their children’s futures, parents search for universal parenting techniques that will put their kids on the route to a prosperous job and a happy life. But times are changing, and the old principles of success are no longer relevant. Sometimes, parents’ actions, intended to be helpful, can actually create challenges for their children’s future.
1. Not allowing their kid to fail
Perfectionist parent often strives for perfection themselves, leading them to expect increasing levels of perfection from their child as they grow older — from the child’s artwork never being good enough to their bed not being made perfectly or not studying hard enough. The child faces constant criticism and reprimands but is never allowed to learn from their mistakes. Children of perfectionist parents may grow up to be perfectionists themselves or develop low self-esteem and lack confidence. Both outcomes can negatively impact their future careers.
- Anna’s mother always compared her to Mary, saying, “Look how tidy Mary is compared to you, Anna!” Despite Anna’s efforts to emulate Mary, she never measured up, and her mother’s criticism only intensified. Anna’s mother never allowed her the chance to improve her habits and learn basic skills. Now at 25 years old, Anna still compares herself to others and always comes up short in her own eyes. Needless to say, this constant comparison has taken a toll on her self-esteem.
2. Paying a child for good grades
This topic remains a subject of debate, but consider this perspective: imagine yourself as a contractor continually paying more for a product or service, with the child as the supplier providing it in exchange for money or rewards. It doesn’t sound like a good idea, does it?
- Alexandra’s parents sought to motivate their daughter to excel in her studies by offering money as an incentive. Initially, Alexandra’s grades improved, suggesting the approach was effective. However, her parents later discovered that she had been fabricating stories about an imaginary illness and sharing them with her teachers. She even falsely claimed that her parents constantly criticized her for poor grades. The sympathetic teacher then raised Alexandra’s grades out of pity. Following this incident, Alexandra’s parents discontinued the practice of paying for grades and sought guidance from a child psychologist.
3. Preventing their child from expressing their feelings
Sometimes, adults dismiss a child’s feelings as wrong — insisting that bruises don’t hurt, feeling anger toward a child who hit them is shameful, or being sad even with a valid reason is incorrect. Parents often do this with good intentions, wanting to teach their children proper behavior. However, it’s crucial to recognize that a fundamental skill for modern individuals is the ability to acknowledge and manage their feelings, emotions, and needs.
- Kate, now 37, vividly remembers how her mother forced her to give away her beloved doll to another girl, admonishing her for being “greedy” and scolding her for getting upset over a “stupid toy.” Kate never got her doll back. Over the years, she has worked hard to assert herself, learning to say “no” to demanding people, including her boss and coworkers. Despite this, Kate often feels guilty whenever she refuses to comply with their requests.
4. Failing to support their child in front of strangers
Every child needs the assurance that their parents will stand up for them in any conflict, regardless of the situation, and won’t blindly trust the words of authority figures like teachers, principals, or neighbors. When parents allow their children to speak up for themselves when they are ready to take responsibility for their actions, it helps them develop healthy self-esteem and a sense of personal accountability.
- Maggy was raised by her grandmother, who often said, “But what will other people think?” Although her grandmother loved Maggy and wanted the best for her, she constantly emphasized the importance of public opinion. As a result, Maggy struggles to make her own decisions and even relies on her friends’ opinions when choosing something as simple as dessert.
5. Drawing inspiration and comparing to successful people
Each generation has its own set of heroes whom young people aspire to emulate. In recent decades, the tales of personal success from wealthy and influential individuals have become widespread. However, it’s not as simple as learning their life story and achieving happiness. If it were that easy, everyone who reads their books would have solved all their financial problems by now.
- Alex developed a passion for computers from a young age. Inspired by the story of Steve Jobs that his dad shared with him, Alex immersed himself in learning everything about Apple. When it came time to choose a university, Alex initially believed he didn’t need higher education because Steve Jobs succeeded without it. Eventually, Alex realized the importance of education for his path and pursued college to advance his career. Now, Alex jokes, “What worked for Steve Jobs is just a waste of time for an ordinary guy like me.”
6. Pressuring their child to decide on their future career
The notion that a person should stick to one career for their entire life is likely outdated and impractical. Many modern occupations didn’t exist a decade ago, while others have already become obsolete.
- Since childhood, Max had a passion for exploring computers and understanding various software programs. Despite his parents’ concerns, he pursued this interest and eventually discovered online courses in software testing. Now, he is thriving in this field, leveraging his potential and skills.
- Laura, at 37, worked as a sociologist for a major consulting firm but found it challenging to maintain her career after having her son. During maternity leave, she rediscovered her love for photography. Starting with unique photos of her child, Laura progressed to offering photoshoots for friends’ and acquaintances’ kids. Over time, she opened her photo studio. Laura now earns as much as her husband and successfully manages her professional life while caring for her family. This shift exemplifies the evolving nature of careers and the importance of embracing new opportunities.
7. Arguing about money
Since children may absorb long-lasting messages from these circumstances, it’s crucial to avoid arguing about money or other matters in front of them. Instead of one-on-one conflicts, which can cause youngsters to take sides and become distressed, talks should be led in a way that promotes involvement.
- Chris grew up witnessing his parents argue about money. When he went to college at 17 and moved away, he struggled with managing his finances and spending on unnecessary items. He now fears starting relationships, believing that money is the root cause of his sadness.
8. Prohibiting the child from using social networks
Social networks have become today’s equivalent of the yards and neighborhoods where we used to play as children. Kids can learn valuable skills through computer programs integrated with social media platforms. While parents should remind their kids about online safety rules, depriving children of this experience can be harsh.
- Aria’s mother was surprised to discover that her 10-year-old daughter had learned to create cool videos. Even more surprising was the realization that Aria had learned this skill from using TikTok. Now, creating short videos has become a family hobby for them.
9. Teaching the kid that they have the stuff at home
Many of us recall times when we asked our parents to buy us things, only to hear, “We already have that at home; we don’t need it.” Some parents repeatedly expose their children to such situations, unintentionally discouraging them from getting what they truly need. This pattern can significantly impact their financial habits as adults. On the other hand, constantly satisfying a child’s every need can also have negative effects.
- Jan’s mother often tells him they have things at home and they don’t buy them from the store. Jan has learned to overlook his needs, and with each subsequent request, he withdraws more, knowing not to ask. When Jan grows up and earns his income, money will go towards trivial things because that’s how he’s learned to live.
10. Preventing children from getting into conflicts
The ability to engage with others is perhaps one of the most crucial professional skills one can possess. It’s important not only to help children make friends but also to teach them how to engage in healthy arguments. People often hold differing opinions, and there are various ways to express emotions. The sooner children grasp this concept, the easier their interactions with others will be, including in professional settings.
- Michaela spent her life avoiding conflicts, preferring to agree with others rather than engage in disputes. She believed that someone always had to be the “smarter” one, but this approach proved more harmful than beneficial. One day, Michaela learned about active listening and decided to apply this approach in her professional life. She excelled at paying attention to others’ perspectives while also expressing her feelings when others attempted to take advantage of her. Initially, people found her communication style unconventional, but conflicts with coworkers became more constructive, leading to mutually beneficial resolutions.
11. Helping their child learn to save money
The world is always changing, and old ways of making or saving money might not work anymore. We can’t predict what skills will be valuable in the future economy. That’s why it’s important to teach kids to be flexible and ready for change, not just to save money.
- Emily’s grandfather saved money his whole life “just in case.” But when that “case” finally happened, a financial meltdown made all his investments lose value. Emily saw this while growing up, and now she’s worried the economy could collapse at any time. She believes the best investment is in her skills and knowledge.
12. Trying to build a strong character with the help of sports
While there’s a widespread belief that sports are beneficial for discipline and character development, excessive competitiveness in professional sports can be detrimental to a child’s physical and mental health. This competitiveness can be fueled by both fellow young athletes and coaches. Only a few individuals become champions, and coaches often prioritize these select few, neglecting the rest of the team. Coping with this unfair treatment at a young age can lead to low self-esteem and confusion about alternative life paths if a child must stop playing sports.
- Tom’s mother pursued rhythmic gymnastics as a child but had to abandon her Olympic dreams due to a leg injury. When Tom was three, his mother enrolled him in gymnastics classes, hoping he would excel. However, Tom struggled in this sport, leading him to lose interest in school, feel like a failure, and struggle to identify his strengths. Now, Tom is studying to become a child psychologist to help parents navigate the challenges of raising children without making the same mistakes.
Being protective of your children is natural, but it’s important to set boundaries. Respecting their privacy is crucial for a healthy parent-child relationship and their personal development. Violating their privacy can have serious negative effects, especially on their mental health.
I Took Our Old Couch to the Dump, but My Husband Freaked Out, Yelling, “You Threw Away the Plan?!”
When Tom’s eyes locked onto the empty space in our living room, a look of pure panic spread across his face. “Please tell me you didn’t…” he started, but it was already too late.
I’d been asking Tom to get rid of that old couch for months. “Tom,” I’d say, “when are you taking the couch out? It’s practically falling apart!”
“Tomorrow,” he’d mumble without looking up from his phone. Or sometimes, “Next weekend. I swear, this time for real.”
Spoiler alert: tomorrow never came.
Old worn out couch | Source: Midjourney
So, last Saturday, after watching that moldy piece of furniture use up half of our living room for another week, I finally snapped. I rented a truck, wrangled the thing out by myself, and took it straight to the dump. By the time I got back, I was pretty proud of myself.
When Tom got home later, he barely got past the entryway before his eyes went wide at the sight of the brand-new couch I’d bought. For a second, I thought he’d thank me, or at least smile.
But instead, he looked around, stunned. “Wait… what’s this?”
Man standing in his living room | Source: Midjourney
I smiled, gesturing at the couch. “Surprise! Finally got rid of that eyesore. It looks great, right?”
His face went pale, and he stared at me like I’d committed a crime. “You took the old couch… to the dump?”
“Well, yeah,” I said, taken aback. “You said you’d do it for months, Tom. It was disgusting!”
He gaped at me, panic flashing across his face. “Are you serious? You threw away the plan?!“
“What plan?” I asked.
He took a shaky breath, muttering to himself. “No, no, no… This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening.“
Disappointed man in his living room | Source: Midjourney
“Tom!” I interrupted, starting to feel a little panicked myself. “What are you talking about?”
He looked up at me, eyes wide with fear. “I… I don’t have time to explain. Get your shoes. We have to go. Now.”
My stomach twisted as I stood there, trying to understand. “Go? Where are we going?”
“To the dump!” he snapped, heading for the door. “We have to get it back before it’s too late.”
Couple heading out | Source: Midjourney
“Too late for what?” I followed him, bewildered. “Tom, it’s a couch. A couch with, like, mold and broken springs! What could be so important?”
He paused at the door, turning back, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Try me,” I challenged, crossing my arms. “I’d like to know why you’re so desperate to dig through a pile of garbage for a couch.”
“I’ll explain on the way. Just trust me,” he said, gripping the doorknob and glancing back over his shoulder. “You have to trust me, okay?”
The way he looked at me — it sent a chill down my spine.
A couple leaving their house | Source: Midjourney
The drive to the dump was dead silent. I kept glancing at Tom, but he was laser-focused on the road, his hands gripping the steering wheel so tight. I’d never seen him like this, so completely panicked, and his silence was only making it worse.
“Tom,” I finally broke the silence, but he didn’t even flinch. “Can you just… tell me what’s going on?”
He shook his head, barely looking at me. “You’ll see when we get there.”
“See what?” I pressed, the frustration creeping into my voice. “Do you have any idea how insane this sounds? You dragged me out here for a couch. A couch, Tom!”
Couple in their car | Source: Midjourney
“I know, he muttered, eyes flicking over to me for a split second before returning to the road. “I know it sounds crazy, but you’ll understand when we find it.”
I crossed my arms, stewing in silence until we pulled up to the dump. Tom leaped out before I could say another word, sprinting toward the gate like his life depended on it.
He waved down one of the workers and, with a pleading edge in his voice, asked, “Please. My wife brought something here earlier. I need to get it back. It’s really important.”
The worker raised an eyebrow, glancing between us with a skeptical look, but something in Tom’s face must have convinced him. With a sigh, he let in. “All right, buddy. But you better move quick.”
Dumpsite | Source: Pexels
Tom darted ahead, searching the mountain of trash like a man possessed, his eyes scanning every heap as if they held priceless treasures. I felt ridiculous standing there, ankle-deep in the garbage, watching my husband dig through piles of discarded junk.
After what felt like ages, Tom’s head jerked up, eyes wide. “There!” he shouted, pointing. He scrambled over, practically throwing himself onto our old couch, which was lying sideways on the edge of a heap. Without missing a beat, he flipped it over, his hands diving into a small gap in the torn lining.
Man in a dumpsite standing next to an old couch | Source: Midjourney
“Tom, what—” I began, but then I saw him pull out a crumpled, yellowed piece of paper, delicate and worn with age. It looked like nothing—just a flimsy old paper with faded, uneven handwriting. I stared at it, completely baffled.
“This?” I asked, incredulous. “All this… for that?”
But then I looked at his face. He was staring at that paper like it was the answer to everything.
Tom’s hands were shaking, his eyes red and brimming with tears. I was frozen, unsure of what to do or say. In the five years we’d been together, I’d never seen him like this — so utterly broken, clutching that crumpled piece of paper like it was the most precious thing he’d ever held.
Man seated on an old couch reading a paper | Source: Midjourney
He took a deep breath, staring at the paper with an expression that was equal parts relief and sorrow. “This… this is the plan my brother and I made,” he finally said, his voice raw. “It’s our map of the house. Our… hideouts.”
I blinked, glancing at the paper he was holding so carefully. From here, it just looked like a scrap of faded, childlike scrawls. But when he held it out to me, his face crumbling as he handed it over, I took it and looked closer.
Woman standing next to an old couch in a dumpsite | Source: Midjourney
It was drawn in colored pencils, with wobbly handwriting and a little cartoonish map of rooms and spaces, was a layout of the house we lived in now. Labels dotted the rooms: “Tom’s Hideout” under the stairs, “Jason’s Castle” in the attic, and “Spy Base” by a bush in the backyard.
“Jason was my younger brother,” he murmured, barely able to get the words out. “We used to hide this map in the couch, like… it was our ‘safe spot.'” His voice was almost inaudible, lost in a memory that seemed to consume him.
I stared at him, struggling to piece together this revelation. Tom had never mentioned a brother before — not once.
Emotional woman talking to her husband | Source: Midjourney
He swallowed hard, his gaze somewhere far away. “When Jason was eight… there was an accident in the backyard. We were playing a game we made up.” He choked back a sob, and I could see how much it was costing him to go on. “I was supposed to be watching him, but I got distracted.”
My hand flew to my mouth, the weight of his words crashing down on me.
“He was climbing a tree… the one next to our Spy Base,” he said, a faint, bitter smile tugging at his lips. “He… he slipped. Fell from the top.”
“Oh, Tom…” I whispered, my own voice breaking. I reached out to him, but he seemed lost in the past.
Man and wife in a dumpsite | Source: Midjourney
“I blamed myself,” he continued, his voice breaking. “I still do, every day. That map… it’s all I have left of him. All the little hideouts we made together. It’s… it’s the last piece of him.” He wiped his face with his sleeve, but the tears kept coming.
I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close, feeling his pain in every sob that shook his body. It wasn’t just a couch. It was his link to a childhood he’d lost—and to a brother he could never bring back.
“Tom, I had no idea. I’m so sorry,” I said, hugging him tight.
Couple hugging in a dumpsite | Source: Midjourney
He took a shaky breath, wiping at his face. “It’s not your fault. I should have told you… but I didn’t want to remember how I messed up. Losing him… it felt like something I couldn’t ever put right.” His voice caught, and he closed his eyes for a long, silent moment.
Finally, he let out a long, steadying breath and gave a weak, almost embarrassed smile. “Come on. Let’s go home.”
The drive back was quiet, but a different kind of quiet. There was a lightness between us, as though we’d managed to bring something precious back with us, even if it was only a scrap of paper. For the first time, I felt like I understood this hidden part of him, the one he’d kept buried under years of silence.
Couple in a car | Source: Midjourney
That night, we took that yellowed, wrinkled map and placed it in a small frame, hanging it in the living room where we could both see it. Tom stood back, looking at it with something that wasn’t quite sorrowful anymore.
The shadow was still there, but softer somehow. I watched him, noticing for the first time in years that he seemed at peace.
Time passed, and the house was filled with new memories and little echoes of laughter that seemed to bring warmth to every corner.
Young family having breakfast | Source: Midjourney
A few years later, when our kids were old enough to understand, Tom sat them down, holding the framed map as he shared the story of the hideouts and “safe spots” he and Jason had created. I stood in the doorway, watching the kids’ eyes widen with wonder, drawn into this secret part of their father’s life.
One afternoon, I found the kids sprawled on the living room floor, crayons and pencils scattered around as they drew their own “map.” They looked up when they saw me, grinning with excitement.
Kids playing with crayons | Source: Midjourney
“Look, Mom! We have our own house map!” my son shouted, holding up their masterpiece. It was labeled with their own hideouts — Secret Lair in the closet, Dragon’s Lair in the basement.
Tom came over, his eyes shining as he looked at their creation. He knelt beside them, tracing the lines with a soft smile, as if they’d unknowingly given him back another small piece of what he’d lost.
“Looks like you’re carrying on the tradition,” he said, his voice full of warmth.
Our son looked up at him, his eyes bright. “Yeah, Dad. It’s our plan… just like yours.”
Man looking at his son | Source: Midjourney
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