Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
I Returned Home from My Daughter’s Funeral to Find a Tent in My Backyard — I Went Pale at What I Found Inside
After burying her eight-year-old daughter, Lily, Ashley returns home, drowning in grief and exhaustion. But something unexpected awaits in her backyard, pulling her out of the numbness and forcing her to confront a mystery she never could have anticipated.
I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, even though I thought I was. They said it would be peaceful at the end, and maybe it was for Lily. But for me, the pain cut deeper than anything I could imagine. My little girl was gone, and I didn’t know how to make sense of a world without her in it.
A grieving woman | Source: Pexels
It’s been a week since we laid her to rest. The days leading up to her death were a blur of hospital beds, whispered prayers, and the slow, cruel slipping away of her laughter. Today, we buried her, but it didn’t feel real. I moved through the funeral like a shadow of myself. Family and friends came, faces blurred by my tears.
“Ashley, I’m so sorry,” Aunt Ruth said, wrapping me in her arms. Her perfume was too strong. I didn’t want to be hugged. I just wanted Lily.
Two grieving women hugging | Source: Pexels
“She was such a light,” someone else added. I nodded, but I couldn’t really hear them.
All I could think of was Lily’s laugh. How her little giggle could fill a room. I’d never hear it again. That thought crushed me more than anything. I wanted to scream, but no sound came out.
A silent woman looking at a headstone | Source: Pexels
As people filtered out, offering their condolences, I just kept staring at the empty chair where Lily should’ve been. My body felt heavy, like I was dragging myself through mud, and my mind kept wandering back to her final days.
“Let me know if you need anything,” a voice said as I walked out of the cemetery. I nodded but didn’t respond. What could anyone do?
A crying, grieving woman | Source: Pexels
The drive home was silent. I couldn’t turn on the radio—music felt wrong, somehow. I just wanted quiet. The kind of quiet where you can pretend the world stopped with your grief.
When I pulled into the driveway, I wasn’t even sure how I got there. I sat in the car for a minute, staring at the house, trying to gather the energy to go inside. I didn’t want to face that empty space. Not without her.
But something stopped me before I could get out.
A woman driving at night | Source: Pexels
There, in the backyard, was a tent.
A huge, brightly colored tent. The kind you’d see at a circus. Red and yellow stripes, with little flags fluttering at the top. It didn’t make sense. My heart jumped into my throat.
“What… is that?” I whispered to myself.
A bright tent | Source: Pexels
I blinked, rubbed my eyes. Maybe I was hallucinating. Grief does strange things to people, right? I was exhausted and emotionally drained. But no, the tent was still there. Bold, bright, and out of place. It was like a splash of color in a black-and-white world.
I got out of the car slowly, my legs feeling like they might give way at any second. Who would put a tent in my yard? And on today, of all days? My head spun with questions. Was this some sort of prank? Or had I completely lost it?
A shocked woman | Source: Freepik
I walked closer, every step feeling heavier than the last. The wind picked up, rustling the colorful flags on top of the tent. My heart pounded so hard I thought it might burst.
“This can’t be real,” I muttered, clenching my fists.
A sad, thoughtful woman | Source: Pexels
But it was real. As I got closer, I could see the details—the stitching on the fabric, the wooden stakes holding it in place. My mind raced. There was no note, no sign of who had put it there or why.
I reached out, my hand trembling as I touched the flap of the tent. It felt solid, real. My stomach twisted. I didn’t want to open it, but I had to know what was inside.
A huge lit up tent | Source: Unsplash
With a deep breath, I gripped the edge of the flap and pulled it open.
I opened it slowly, my breath shallow, heart racing. Inside, there was something bundled up in the middle of the space. For a second, my mind couldn’t make sense of it. It was wrapped in a blanket, small and still. My stomach twisted, and I couldn’t stop the flood of memories that hit me all at once.
A small blanket with something inside | Source: Midjourney
Lily, lying in the hospital bed. So pale. So fragile. The tubes, the machines. I remember her tiny body swallowed by the blankets, the way she barely moved in those last few days. My knees nearly buckled under the weight of it all.
“No,” I whispered, my voice trembling. “No, not again…”
I took a step forward, my whole body shaking. The sight in front of me felt like another cruel joke, like the world was mocking me. Why today? Why now?
A scared woman | Source: Pexels
Suddenly, the bundle moved.
I gasped, freezing in place. My heart pounded so loud I could hear it in my ears. For a split second, I didn’t know what to do. My mind spun, expecting the worst, preparing for more pain.
A blanket in a tent | Source: Midjourney
But then, a small head popped out from under the blanket. A tiny Labrador puppy, its fur soft and golden like sunlight. It blinked up at me with wide, curious eyes, a pink bow tied around its neck. My breath caught in my throat. I stared, completely overwhelmed.
“What… what are you doing here?” I whispered, my voice cracking.
A small Labrador puppy | Source: Unsplash
The puppy wiggled out of the blanket and stumbled toward me, wagging its little tail. It was so full of life, so innocent, a stark contrast to the grief that had consumed me for so long. I knelt down slowly, reaching out to touch the soft fur, still in disbelief. My fingers trembled as they brushed against the puppy’s coat, warm and alive.
Tears welled up in my eyes. “Why is there a puppy here? Who did this?” My voice broke, the confusion mixing with the heavy sadness I had carried all day.
A sad tearful woman | Source:Freepik
As I stroked the puppy, I noticed something else—an envelope tucked under the blanket. My heart skipped a beat. With shaking hands, I picked it up and stared at it for a moment. The handwriting on the front was familiar. My breath hitched as I recognized it. Lily’s handwriting. Messy, but hers.
Tears blurred my vision as I carefully opened the envelope. Inside was a note, short and simple. My hands shook as I read the words.
An envelope with a note | Source: Pexels
“Dear Mommy,
I know you’re sad because I had to go to heaven. But I wanted to leave you something to help you smile again. I asked Daddy to get you a puppy, so you’ll have someone to cuddle with when you’re missing me. Her name is Daisy, and she loves to play! Please take care of her for me. I’ll always be with you, watching from above. I love you so much.
Love, Lily.”
A child writing a letter | Source: Pexels
I dropped to my knees, clutching the note to my chest. The tears came in waves, and I couldn’t stop them. I cried harder than I had at the funeral. Harder than I had since the moment I knew I was losing her.
“Lily…” I sobbed, my voice barely a whisper.
A close-up shot of a crying woman | Source: Pexels
Even in her final days, my sweet little girl had been thinking of me. She knew. She knew how much I’d miss her, how much it would hurt. And she found a way to make sure I wouldn’t be alone. A puppy. A new life to care for, to love.
I held Daisy close, the warmth of her little body grounding me in the moment. I could still feel Lily’s presence. The tent, the puppy—it was all part of her last gift to me. A way to remind me that even though she was gone, her love would always be with me.
A labrador puppy looking up | Source: Freepik
The tent didn’t feel so strange anymore. It was a place for me to find Daisy, a place to feel connected to Lily one more time.
Over the next few days, Daisy became my shadow. She followed me everywhere, her tiny paws tapping on the floor as she scampered after me. At first, I didn’t know what to do. How could I care for this puppy when my heart was so shattered?
A sad woman hugging herself | Source: Pexels
But Daisy didn’t give me much choice. She’d nuzzle into my side when I was curled up on the couch, licking my hand until I smiled through my tears. She’d bounce around with her little pink bow, full of energy and joy, reminding me of the brightness Lily used to bring.
Every morning, I’d sit with my coffee, Daisy at my feet, and I’d think of Lily. I’d imagine her watching over me, her smile still lighting up the sky. And every time Daisy curled up in my lap, I felt a piece of Lily’s love wrapping around me.
a woman with her dog | Source: Pexels
Daisy wasn’t a replacement. Nothing could ever replace my Lily. But she was a part of her. A living, breathing reminder of the love Lily left behind. Slowly, day by day, the weight on my chest lightened, just a little.
Taking care of Daisy pulled me out of the fog I’d been in. I had to get up, feed her, play with her. She needed me, just like Lily had known I’d need her.
A smiling woman with her dog | Source: Pexels
Lily had given me one final gift: a reason to keep going. And even though the pain of losing her would never fully go away, I knew now that I wasn’t facing it alone.
Liked this story? Consider checking out this one: A splitting headache sent me home early, and I hoped for a quiet afternoon alone. But seeing my daughter, who should’ve been at school, and her stepdad behind that closed door shook me to my core. What I discovered tore my heart in two and left me in tears.
This work is inspired by real events and people, but it has been fictionalized for creative purposes. Names, characters, and details have been changed to protect privacy and enhance the narrative. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.
The author and publisher make no claims to the accuracy of events or the portrayal of characters and are not liable for any misinterpretation. This story is provided “as is,” and any opinions expressed are those of the characters and do not reflect the views of the author or publisher.
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