Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
My 5-Year-Old Daughter Started Drawing Our Family without Her Dad – When I Found Out the Reason, I Was Speechless
When Heather’s five-year-old daughter refuses to draw her father in her paintings, her heart breaks. Heather eventually presses Lily for an answer, and when she does, Lily shares a shocking revelation about a secret her dad has been keeping. Heather is rendered speechless by the news, which reveals a side of their life that she never would have suspected. I listened to the worried voice of Lily’s teacher while sitting on the couch with the phone pressed to my ear.”Heather, how are things going at your house?” Mrs. Thompson enquired politely.
An knot of worry tightened in my gut. I said, “Mrs. Thompson, what’s the deal?” On the other end, she let out a quiet sigh. We asked the children to create portraits of their families today. Lily only drew herself, you, and her older brother Liam. She became silent and clammed up when I asked her where her dad was.My heart fell. I looked over at Lily, who was on the carpet playing with her toys. Her tiny face exuded such innocence and joy. “Oh, I understand,” I said in a firm voice.
Her dad hasn’t been around much these days, though. We’ve been going through some difficult times.Heather, I get it. Simply put, Lily appeared somewhat reticent when I asked her. Perhaps there was more going on, I reasoned.I inhaled deeply as I attempted to collect my thoughts. I appreciate you informing me of this, Mrs. Thompson. I’ll discuss it with Lily. Naturally, Heather. Please don’t hesitate to contact us if you need any assistance. We want to make sure Lily, who is a lovely girl, is doing well.An old woman talking on the phone I said, “Thank you,” with a mixture of concern and thankfulness.
“I will see to it.” I gave Lily another look as I hung up. She held out one of her dolls and grinned at me. “Observe, mother! She’s got on a lovely dress! I feigned a laugh. I said, “She sure is, sweetheart.” A young girl having fun with a doll. I had to figure out how to bring up Lily’s father with her without upsetting her. I inhaled deeply. Why didn’t you draw Daddy when you were in kindergarten, sweetie? Has he done something that has angered you? Trying to sound as nice as possible, I asked. With reluctance in her large eyes, Lily raised her gaze to me. “Mommy, I can’t tell you.”I squatted down next to her. “Why, my dear? Tell your mother everything you want to. She bit her lip with hesitation. At last, she grasped my hand and murmured, “All right, Mommy, I’ll show you.”
She moved some old crates aside and took me to a corner of the garage. She brought an old, dusty scrapbook out from behind them and gave it to me, her expression sad. “Mom, look inside.”A dejected young girl clutching a photo album. With shaky hands, I opened the album. It was crammed with pictures and sketches, a mixture of joyful events and carefree sketches.
But one page stopped me cold. It was a picture of a man who looked strikingly like my husband but with subtle differences. He was standing with a woman and two children, none of whom I recognized. A kid removing photos from a book with an adult sitting beside them. My heart pounded in my chest as I stared at the photo. “Lily, where did you find this?” She pointed to the back of the garage. “I found it when I was looking for my old toys.” I sat down on an old stool, feeling a wave of confusion and fear wash over me. Could it be true? Could David have a second family? I didn’t want to believe it, but the evidence was right in front of me.
“Mommy, are you okay?” Lily asked, her voice small and worried. I pulled her into a hug, trying to hide my anxiety. “I’m okay, sweetheart. Thank you for showing me. We’ll figure this out together, okay?” She nodded, and I held her close, my mind racing with questions and doubts. That night, with my heart heavy and mind swirling, I confronted David in our bedroom.
The scrapbook lay open on the bed, its pages filled with secrets I never imagined. “Care to explain this?” I demanded, my voice shaking as I pointed to the incriminating photos. David’s face went pale. He sighed heavily and sat down, his hands trembling.“I–I’m sorry, Heather,” he said. “I was going to tell you, but I didn’t know how.” “You have another family? How could you do this to us?” I yelled, tears streaming down my face, my anger mixing with overwhelming sorrow. “It’s not what you think,” he said, his voice breaking. “Before I met you, I was married. We had two children, but my wife and one of the kids died in a car accident.
The surviving child, my son, lives with his grandmother. I couldn’t bear to talk about it.”I stood there, stunned. This revelation was more than I could process. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I managed to ask. “I didn’t want to bring the pain into our lives. I wanted to start fresh with you,” he explained, tears welling up in his eyes. His pain was evident, but so was mine. I sat down beside him, trying to absorb his words. The betrayal and the hidden past felt like too much to handle.“You should have trusted me, David,” I said. “We could have faced this together.” He nodded, wiping away a tear. “I know. I’m so sorry, Heather. I just didn’t want to lose you.” I sighed, my anger slowly giving way to empathy. “We’ll need time to work through this, but keeping secrets isn’t the way. We need to be honest with each other.”The next few days were a whirlwind of emotions.
I needed time to process everything. As I sat in my room one evening, staring at the scrapbook, a thought struck me. If Lily found this, could there be more secrets hidden in our home? Determined, I began searching the house. I went through drawers, old boxes, and forgotten corners, looking for anything that might reveal more of David’s past. In the attic, I found a hidden stack of letters and documents. My heart pounded as I sifted through them. One letter, in particular, stood out. It was from a law firm, detailing a large inheritance left to my husband by his late wife. The money was in a trust, and he had never mentioned it to me. I sat down on the attic floor, the letter trembling in my hands. The betrayal cut deep. Why hadn’t he told me about this? What else was he hiding? My mind raced with questions, and a new wave of anger and hurt washed over me. I had to confront him again, but this time, I needed answers.
That evening in the kitchen, the air was thick with tension. I placed the inheritance letter on the table in front of David as he sat down. Lily was in the living room, playing quietly. “You kept this inheritance a secret. Why? I thought we’d promised each other not to keep secrets.” He looked down, avoiding my gaze. “I feared it would change things between us, Heather. I thought if you knew, it would complicate everything.”How could you think hiding something so important would help us? It’s about trust, David. And right now, that trust is shattered!” He sighed deeply, his shoulders slumping. “I’m sorry, Heather. I really am. I never meant to hurt you. I just didn’t know how to handle it.” “We can’t go on like this, with secrets and lies.
We need transparency for our sake and for Lily’s,” I said, my voice softening slightly. “Can you promise me that?”David looked up, tears in his eyes. “Yes, I promise. No more secrets.” Just then, the phone rang. I picked it up, and an unfamiliar voice spoke. “Hello, Heather. This is Eleanor, David’s late wife’s mother. I’d like to meet Lily and Liam.” I was taken aback. I put the phone on speaker mode. “Eleanor, I didn’t expect this call. Why now?”“I think it’s time the half-siblings met. They deserve to know each other,” she replied gently. “Got your number from David long ago. Couldn’t find the courage to call you before today.” I glanced at David, who looked equally surprised. “We’ll arrange something soon,” I said, feeling a mixture of apprehension and hope. As I hung up the phone, I turned to David. “Eleanor wants Lily and Liam to meet their half-brother.”David nodded, his expression serious. “It’s about time. We need to bring our families together.” I hoped this was the beginning of a new chapter, one where honesty and healing could finally take root.
The next weekend, we arrived at Eleanor’s house, a warm and inviting place filled with memories. Photos of David’s past adorned the walls, a silent reminder of the life he had before us. Eleanor greeted us at the door.“Hello, Heather. I’m glad you came,” she said, giving me a gentle hug. “Come in, everyone.” We stepped inside, and I immediately felt the warmth of her home. Ethan, David’s surviving son, stood by the fireplace, looking nervous. Lily and Liam clung to my sides, their eyes wide with curiosity. “Ethan, these are your half-siblings, Lily and Liam,” Eleanor said, introducing them. Ethan smiled shyly. “Hi, Lily. Hi, Liam.” Lily took a step forward, her natural curiosity taking over. “Hi, Ethan. Do you like dinosaurs?” Ethan’s face lit up. “I love dinosaurs! Do you want to see my collection?”Lily nodded eagerly, and the two of them ran off to Ethan’s room, leaving us adults to talk.
I watched them go, feeling a sense of relief. Eleanor led us to the living room, where we sat down and began to talk. The conversation was emotional, filled with tears and apologies. David and Eleanor shared stories of the past, and I could see the pain and love in their eyes. A smiling elderly woman | Source: Pexels “Forgiveness and understanding can help us rebuild. We’re a family, and we need each other,” Eleanor said. I nodded, knowing she was right. Our family was fractured, but I could see a path to healing. It wouldn’t be easy, but together, we could rebuild stronger.
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