Ho ho ho! Feeling festive? These Christmas jokes will have you laughing louder than Santa’s belly shake. Warning: excessive cheer, snort-laughing, and spontaneous caroling may occur. Proceed with caution… and cookies!
Jingle all the way to laughter! Grab your eggnog and settle in for some holiday hilarity. These jokes are Santa-approved and guaranteed to make you laugh harder than your uncle after too much Christmas pudding.
Santa Claus laughing in the snow | Source: Midjourney
1. The Christmas Trap
Mike drummed his fingers on his desk, staring at his phone. His wife Janet gave him a knowing wink from across the room, already struggling to contain her laughter. Time for their annual Christmas scheme.
“Hey kiddo,” Mike said after his 20-year-old son picked up in Fairbanks, trying to sound devastated. “I hate to drop this bomb, but… your mother and I are getting divorced.”
“WHAT?” Ryan’s voice cracked so hard that his neighbor’s cat fell off the windowsill. “Dad, you can’t be serious! You just posted those matching Christmas sweater photos!”
A shocked young man holding a phone | Source: Midjourney
“Dead serious. Can’t stand looking at her cookbooks anymore. Three hundred and forty-two sugar cookie recipes is where I draw the line. Call your sister in Sydney. I’m done talking about it.”
Ryan immediately called his sister Ashley, nearly dropping his phone in his panic. “Dad’s lost his mind! They’re getting divorced over a cookbook!”
“OVER MY DEAD BODY AND EVERY CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT I OWN!” Ashley screeched, making her office plants wilt. She speed-dialed home. “Listen here, old man! Don’t you DARE sign anything! Ryan and I are flying home TONIGHT!”
A shocked woman talking on the phone | Source: Midjourney
Mike hung up and high-fived Janet, and both of them doubled over with laughter. “Works every year. Both kids coming home for Christmas. And they’re buying their own tickets!”
Janet wiped tears from her eyes. “Should we tell them this is how we got them to come to Thanksgiving too?”
“Nah,” Mike grinned. “Let’s save that trick for Easter!”
An older man with a wicked grin | Source: Midjourney
2. The Christmas Angel
Eleanor had been working in the Dead Letter Office for five years, but she’d never seen anything quite like this — an envelope addressed simply to “God” in shaky handwriting that looked like it had been written during an earthquake.
Inside was a letter that made her heart squeeze:
“Dear God, I’m Martha, 85 years young and running low on miracles. Some sneaky youngster with unusually fast hands swiped my purse yesterday with my entire month’s pension. $120. I’ve got five dear friends coming for Christmas dinner, and now I can’t even afford a can of cranberry sauce. I know you’re busy with world peace and all, but could you spare a miracle for an old lady with a sweet tooth and empty cupboards? Love, Martha (the one with the crooked garden gnome collection at the end of Maple Street).”
A lady postal services worker reading a letter | Source: Midjourney
Eleanor shared the letter with her coworkers. By lunch, they’d collected $116, raiding coffee funds, lunch money, and that secret candy bar stash everyone pretended not to know about.
A week after Christmas, another letter arrived:
“Dear God, You’re a real peach! That $116 you’d left in my mailbox made for the best Christmas dinner ever! My friends said it was divine intervention. I’d say they’re right! Even my arthritis felt better!
P.S. Some sticky-fingered postal worker must’ve skimmed $4 off the top. Might want to look into that. I hear you’ve got connections with Santa’s naughty list! Love, Martha.”
A cheerful older lady enjoying Christmas dinner with her friends | Source: Midjourney
3. North Pole Chaos
“Code Red! Code Red!” Junior Elf Timothy squeaked into the North Pole intercom, his voice cracking like ice in hot cocoa. “Four senior elves down with candy cane flu! The toy production line looks like a modern art exhibition!”
Santa rubbed his temples, watching the trainee elves turn teddy bears into abstract sculptures. Mrs. Claus chose that perfect moment to chirp, “Honey, Mother’s coming for Christmas! She’s bringing her entire fruitcake collection… even the one that set off the North Pole airport security!”
In the stables, Rudolph was organizing a reindeer union strike, demanding premium carrots and heated stalls. Dancer was in labor (terrible timing), and Prancer had eloped with a local moose named Bruce who promised her a cabin in the woods.
Startled Santa Claus | Source: Midjourney
Santa trudged to load the sleigh, only to hear an ominous CRACK! The floor splintered like thin ice, sending toys scattering everywhere like confetti at a New Year’s party gone wrong.
Stumbling inside for coffee, he found the elves had replaced it with sugar-free hot chocolate with a tag that read: “It’s healthier, Boss!” The milk jug slipped from his hands, shattering into a million pieces that sparkled like evil little stars on the kitchen floor. The cleanup broom looked like it had been through a beaver party. Suddenly, the doorbell buzzed.
DING DONG!
Santa Claus holding a broom | Source: Midjourney
Santa yanked open the door, ready to cancel Christmas entirely. There stood a tiny angel, struggling under a massive Christmas tree that made her look like a sprite with an oversized umbrella.
“Special delivery!” she beamed, twinkling with festive cheer. “Where would you like me to stick it?”
And that’s why Christmas trees have angels on top, sporting slightly alarmed expressions and questioning their career choices.
An angel under a Christmas tree | Source: Midjourney
4. Heavenly Volume
Tommy and Jack were spending Christmas Eve at Grandma Rose’s house, famous for her legendary sugar cookies and selective hearing that rivaled military-grade noise-canceling technology.
At bedtime, Tommy (age 6) knelt beside his bed and began his strategic prayer:
“DEAR GOD, I WOULD REALLY LOVE A NEW XBOX…”
“AND A REMOTE CONTROL DINOSAUR THAT ACTUALLY BREATHES FIRE…”
“AND MAYBE A ROCKET SHIP WITH REAL ROCKET FUEL…”
A little boy praying | Source: Midjourney
Jack (age 8) nudged his brother, rolling his eyes. “Dude, volume control! God’s not streaming on Spotify!”
Tommy shot back with a mischievous grin that would make elves proud. “Yeah, but Grandma is doing her Christmas shopping tomorrow, and her hearing aid’s been acting up since she tried to bluetooth it to her toaster!”
A little boy looking up and laughing | Source: Midjourney
5. The Shopping Surprise
Linda lost track of her husband Dave at the crowded mall during last-minute Christmas shopping. After 20 minutes of searching between the endless sea of panic-buying shoppers, she called his cell.
“Dave, where on earth did you disappear to? The mall closes in an hour!”
“Honey,” his voice softened mysteriously, “remember that fancy jewelry store from our first Christmas together? The one where you fell in love with that stunning sapphire necklace, but we were so broke we could barely afford the window shopping?”
A man talking on the phone | Source: Midjourney
Linda’s heart fluttered, her anger melting faster than a snowman in July. “The one on Fifth Street? Oh my god, Dave… you didn’t…”
“Well,” he paused dramatically, “I’m in the dollar store next door. They’re having a massive sale on gift bags! Three for a dollar! Want me to grab some?”
A woman gaping in shock | Source: Midjourney
6. The Carol Critic
“Hey Emma,” her little brother Charlie called from the doorway, munching on his third candy cane of the morning. “You should totally join the Christmas choir at school! They’re still accepting applications!”
14-year-old Emma stopped practicing her scales, hope blooming in her eyes. “Really? You actually like my singing? After all this time?”
“Nah,” Charlie grinned, revealing red and white striped teeth. “But they only perform once a year, and I already know which day to wear my noise-canceling headphones!”
A stunned teenage girl holding a songbook | Source: Midjourney
7. The Gift Switch
At the office Christmas party, Tom was bragging about the amazing gift he got his wife Sarah, waving his phone around with photos.
“Check it out, man. Diamond earrings! Cost me a fortune, but worth every penny!”
His coworker Steve whistled, sipping his fourth cup of spiked eggnog. “But didn’t Sarah specifically ask for that new SUV? The one she’s been hinting about since last Christmas?”
“She did,” Tom smirked, lowering his voice conspiratorially. “But try finding a fake Ford Explorer that’ll fool your mother-in-law!”
A man holding a pair of earrings and laughing | Source: Midjourney
8. The Budget Tree
“Dad, pleeeease can we get a real Christmas tree this year?” little Jimmy begged for the hundredth time, giving his best puppy dog eyes. “I’m tired of explaining to my friends why our plastic tree smells like a basement and old tennis shoes!”
Frank grabbed his axe and wallet, sighing dramatically while secretly winking at his wife. “Fine. The things I do for Christmas spirit…”
He returned suspiciously quickly with a perfect tree, not a drop of sweat in sight.
A man holding an axe | Source: Midjourney
“That was fast,” Jimmy said, eyeing the pristine axe. “Did you even use it?”
“Nope!” Frank grinned proudly. “But the tree lot guy offered a 75% discount when I started examining the trees with it! Sometimes the best lumberjack is the one who never swings!”
A stunned boy | Source: Midjourney
9. The Biblical Bird
Three brothers — Richie, Steve, and Joe — gathered for their annual post-Christmas brag-fest about their gifts to their 80-year-old mother.
Richie puffed up his chest. “I built her a mansion with an elevator and a meditation room!”
Steve smirked, twirling his car keys. “Amateur. I bought her a Rolls-Royce with a personal chauffeur!”
Joe leaned back, sipping his cocoa. “You guys are so last season. Remember how Mom loves the Bible but can’t see well? I found this amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible on command. Took the church elders twelve years to train him. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse!”
A person in church holding a parrot | Source: Midjourney
Their mother’s thank-you notes arrived the next week:
“Dear Richie: The mansion’s lovely, but I’m too old to remember which of the 7 bathrooms I left my glasses in.
Dear Steve: The car’s beautiful, but my driver keeps falling asleep during my stories.
Dear Joe: The chicken was pretty small but delicious! Especially with the sage stuffing!”
Roasted chicken on the table | Source: Midjourney
10. The Window Shopping Incident
Karen spotted the perfect Christmas party dress sparkling in the store’s window display, guaranteed to make her the talk of the office party.
“Excuse me,” she called to a passing saleswoman. “Could I try on that gorgeous shimmery dress in the window? The one with the sequins?”
The saleswoman clutched her pearls, looking thoroughly scandalized. “Absolutely not, Ma’am! We have perfectly good fitting rooms for that sort of thing. This isn’t that kind of establishment!”
A dress displayed in a store | Source: Midjourney
11. The Santa Hotline
Sophie was driving her mom crazy with constant battles with her teenage sister Madison. The latest war was over borrowed (stolen) Christmas sweaters and who ate the last gingerbread cookie.
Mom had enough. “That’s it! I’m calling Santa!”
She dialed her brother Bob, resident Santa impersonator extraordinaire. Sophie’s eyes grew huge as Mom detailed her crimes against sisterhood, including the Great Hair Dryer Incident of last Tuesday.
“Santa wants a word with you,” Mom handed over the phone, trying not to smirk as her master plan unfolded.
A smiling woman holding a phone | Source: Midjourney
Uncle Bob dropped his voice to subterranean levels. “Sophie, Sophie, Sophie… No presents for girls who torment their sisters. I’m watching! And yes, I saw you hide that cookie under your pillow!”
Sophie nodded solemnly through the lecture, then hung up with a suspicious gleam in her eye.
“Well?” Mom asked, expecting victory. “What did Santa say?”
Sophie shrugged, skipping away. “He said Madison’s getting coal this year. Apparently, she’s the real troublemaker. Also, he said you should check your own cookie stash, Mom!”
A little girl smiling | Source: Midjourney
And there you have it, folks! If these jokes made you laugh, share them faster than your relatives share embarrassing childhood stories at Christmas dinner! Keep spreading the holiday cheer with these 10 More Best Christmas Jokes. Ho ho ho!
Cheerful Santa Claus laughing | Source: Midjourney
My Fiancé Humiliated Me in His Wedding Vows
It was the day that I had been waiting for. After months of wedding planning and dieting to fit into my dream dress. This was the moment.
“Come on, darling,” my father said, holding out his hand, ready to walk me down the aisle to Jason.
“How do you feel?” my father asked me, kissing my forehead.
“Happy,” I said simply. “I’ve been dreaming of this moment for years now, Dad.”
We walked down the aisle to soft music that I had chosen months ago. The guitarist perched on a wooden stool.
“You look beautiful, Emily,” Jason said, taking my hand from my father.
The ceremony began with the priest talking about love and commitment, just as he had told us he would.
“It’s time for the vows,” the priest said, smiling at us both.
“Jason, you are my best friend, and I’ve always wanted to marry my best friend. I promise to support you, to always laugh with you, and to grow with you. I vow to be faithful and cherish every moment we have together. In this life, and the next.”
My sister sighed next to me, wiping away her tears.
“Jason,” the priest said. “It’s now your turn.”
Jason looked at me and smiled, and then he turned to his groomsmen, causing them to snigger.
“Emily, my love,” he said. “I promise to always be there for you, even when you’re nagging me to take out the trash because you think the house smells.”
Jason’s groomsmen chuckled.
“And I’ll always hold your hand, especially when we’re walking through spider-infested areas because we all know how much you love those eight-legged critters.”
The groomsmen laughed louder. Some of our guests joined in.
And still, Jason continued.
“I vow to remind you to pick up your dragging feet when you walk, so we can avoid another trip to the emergency room like that time you tripped over absolutely nothing. And to taste all the burnt lasagna in the world because that’s your signature dish.”
The more Jason spoke, the more embarrassed I got.
I frowned at him, hoping that he would understand that there was nothing beautiful or romantic about his words. But he ignored me and continued.
“Also, I will tolerate your singing in the shower. It may sound like a cat in distress but at least it makes me appreciate good music! And most importantly, Emily,” he said.
“I promise to forgive you for basically forcing me to propose to you after you left those bridal magazines all over the apartment.”
My jaw dropped.
I didn’t know how to react. Jason’s groomsmen were all but falling over each other with laughter.
“Really?” I whispered to him.
Jason winked.
“Now, it’s time for you to exchange rings,” the priest said.
Jason’s niece came up to the altar with the wedding rings tied onto a little cushion that she clutched tightly.
“Here you go, Aunty Emily,” she said nervously.
“Thank you, sweetheart,” I said, taking the rings from her.
Holding the rings, I realized I didn’t want to put Jason’s ring on his finger. We were married now, all but for signing the registration book.
But after hearing Jason’s vows, I didn’t know if I wanted to be with this man.
“Give me your hand,” Jason said, pulling my hand.
He slid the ring onto my finger and held his hand out for me to do the same.
My stomach turned. Suddenly, my dream bubble had burst. Nothing felt as it had moments before.
“Jason, you may now kiss the bride!” the priest exclaimed.
Jason grabbed my waist and pulled me close to him, his other hand gripping the back of my neck. He kissed me without passion or feeling.
“What on earth was that?” I asked Jason when we were doing our photographs before the reception.
“What do you mean?” he asked, frowning.
“Your vows,” I said. “They were insensitive and embarrassing.”
“No! They were cute!” he said. “I kept them true to us.”
“You basically told everyone that I’m a nag and clumsy. And that I forced you into marrying me.”
I crossed my arms and waited for some kind of explanation.
“Oh, come on, Emily,” he said. “Everyone was laughing. It’s not as deep as you’re making it. Let’s just do this photoshoot and go back to the party. I am starving.”
I bit my tongue. I didn’t have it in me to fight.
At the reception, Jason truly let himself go. He went overboard with the drinks and ate enough steak and potatoes to make anyone sick to their stomach.
“Mom,” I said, kneeling next to my mother before the formalities began. “I don’t feel good.”
“What do you mean, sweetheart?” my mother asked.
“Jason…” I said, my voice trailing as the weight of my uneasiness set in. “Those vows were nothing but an embarrassment.”
“Maybe it was just nerves, Emily,” my mother said. “You know how Jason can be sometimes.”
“I don’t know, Mom,” I said. “I just feel like the magic has escaped.”
Soon after, the emcee got up and began the formalities. Jason’s brother stood up and spoke about how we met and his first impressions of me.
“I didn’t think Emily would stay!” Jackson laughed, his beer bottle in his hand. “But I guess she knows how to deal with my brother.”
It went on and on, and my husband ate up his brother’s words, chuckling loudly.
Then, it was time for my father-in-law’s speech.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I have a few words to say to my son and his new bride, the lovely Emily,” he said.
I held my breath. I had always gotten along with Robert, and he had always treated me well. But I had thought the same of Jason until his vows were said.
I didn’t know if I had to prepare myself for something from Robert, too.
If I had to be honest with myself, I just wanted to run away. I didn’t feel like a bride. I didn’t feel much like anything. I didn’t even feel like myself.
I wanted to rip off my wedding dress and get into my comfiest pair of sweatpants. I wanted to cry.
“Jason, do you know what makes a marriage work, son?” Robert asked.
“Uh, love? Attraction? Chemistry?” Jason said, faltering.
Who on earth is this man? I wondered to myself.
“It’s respect,” Robert said, shaking his head. “It’s about cherishing your partner and never making them feel small or embarrassed. Today, you turned your vows into a series of jokes at Emily’s expense. That was not only inappropriate but also deeply hurtful.”
I glanced around and saw some of the guests were shaking their heads.
“To teach you a lesson, Jason,” Robert continued. “I’m going to share something about you that you might find equally embarrassing.”
“What? Dad! Stop!” Jason said, standing up.
“Jason still sleeps with a nightlight. He says that it’s because he likes to read in bed, but we all know that it’s because he’s afraid of the dark.”
Laughter erupted through the room.
“And let’s not forget about the time when Jason tried to cook for Emily and set off the fire alarm because he didn’t know that normal people don’t put metal in microwaves.”
“Dad, just stop it,” Jason hissed.
“Or about the time when he got drunk after a party, and insisted that he needed to sleep on the floor in my bedroom.”
The crowd laughed louder.
“I shared these stories not to embarrass you, Jason. But to show you how it feels. Humor at someone else’s expense isn’t funny, it’s cruel. You need to understand the consequences of your actions.”
I smiled at Robert, finally feeling seen.
“Emily, on behalf of my son, I apologize. Jason still has a lot to learn about being a loving and respectful partner. But I know that he can do better, and I hope you give him the chance to prove it.”
“I’m so sorry, Emily,” Jason said from beside me. “I thought I was being funny, but I see how ridiculous I was being. Give me another chance.”
“Fine,” I said. “But it’s going to take more than just empty words to fix this.”
I want to give us another chance, but something still feels very off.
What would you do?
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